Physics lesson for the married: Inertia and momentum!

Most people quit physics at the first opportunity that presented itself and as such not many of us would appreciate a combination of two of the most difficult subjects known to man, marriage and physics! However, the physics has been simplified, but the marriage….. well it stays as complicated as ever!

Newton’s first law of basically states two things;
• An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an external force.
• An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an external force.
Newton’s second law basically states that;
• The change in momentum of a body is proportional to the force applied to it and will always be in the direction of the force applied.

Newton’s first law is about inertia while the second law is about momentum. Now that you are as confused as everyone else in class, let’s see how these two great physics laws apply in our marriages.

To begin with the first law, it basically tells us that our marriages remain the same unless affected by external forces. If your marriage is good, it can remain good so long as no external force interferes. On the other hand, a difficult marriage remains difficult unless it is impacted by an external force. In many ways it would be best to leave marriages in a state of inertia especially when things are good. We let the marriage stay where it is, moving at a constant velocity in the direction our creator meant marriage to move towards.

Unfortunately that fairy tale story cannot happen so long as we live under the sun. There are a million and one forces impacting our marriages everyday from everywhere and in every direction. This means that no matter how hard we try, our marriages can never remain at rest or at the same velocity for too long because there will always be an external force acting on us as individuals, as a couple or even as a society.

That takes us to Newton’s second law. When applied to marriage, it simply means that the inevitable forces impacting our marriages will actually determine the direction our marriages take. If you allow your marriage to be impacted by a force that is negative in nature, your marriage will immediately take the direction of the new force in your relationship and acquire a negative direction! On the other hand if your marriage is impacted by a positive force, it will automatically take the direction of new influence. Determining the forces you allow to impact and influence your life is therefore an important contributor to the success or failure of your marriage.

The forces that impact our relationships come from everything we see, hear and experience. This can be in the form of reading (yes, this article is a force that will impact the direction of your marriage) media such as movies and pictures, experiences and interactions with others and many other ways. The impact of the forces influencing our marriages is not only with regards to direction but also force. Remember that the second law determines that change in momentum will be proportional to the force influencing it (our relationships). If a huge negative force comes in, it will cause a significant shift in a negative manner while the same is true to a huge positive force.

Identifying negative and positive forces is therefore our biggest concern as married couples for they will determine the direction our relationships take and the speed at which our marriages become better or bitter. While there are plenty of forces that are obviously good or bad, the biggest danger lies with those innocent looking forces that often do the greatest damage. Something as innocent as listening to a radio show that consistently depicts marriage in a negative light while exalting promiscuity, will surely impact your marriage in a negative way. Carefully evaluate all the forces you and your partner are exposed to and work to increase the positives so that they may always overcome and overwhelm the negatives that may try to impact your marriage!

There you have it, learning physics is good for marriage! 😉

Shared milestones; A relationship’s cornerstones

Every progressive individual needs to make an effort to achieve one notable milestone at least once a year. Your milestones are basically small steps towards a greater goal that you wish to achieve. As a married couple you have basically become one entity and you therefore have the responsibility of ensuring you have one or more notable milestones recorded for every year. Your milestones do not necessarily need to be the achievement of an objective, it could be the first step towards a major accomplishment such as getting pregnant, saving for an investment or a religious undertaking. You can mark a milestone in any way as long as it is positive, geared towards your bigger goals in life and most important, it must be owned by both of you.

Regardless of the many significant milestones you may manage to achieve as an individual, only the milestones that you achieve together with your spouse can be useful as cornerstones for your marriage. In most relationships there are disparities in education, finances, physical strength and many other areas. Your personal exploits in any field will do little to help grow your relationship. In fact they are likely to increase the disparity between you and your spouse which could contribute to differences. While it is important and a must to pursue your personal development, you need to ensure that personal pursuits do not cause you to forget your obligation to achieve shared milestones.

While you may find great satisfaction in climbing to the top of a mountain, that personal milestone will achieve less for your marriage as compared to taking your first 30 minute walk as a couple with your spouse. The walk is obviously not as challenging or glorifying as climbing the mountain but it can become an important milestone in your relationship. Your business could also grow significantly in one year to the point of employing 50 or more people, however, that achievement will do little for your relationship as compared to the joint contribution you make as a couple towards the running of a local children’s home.

There are a number of factors that make shared milestones a lot more important and useful for your marriage. The first factor is that a shared milestone involves sharing! Man and woman come together primarily for companionship. In the modern society, we have a lot of personal business going on and very little in the way of shared interests and time. Having a shared milestone will therefore result from shared time, shared ideas, shared challenges, shared visions and a lot of other shared things. At the end of it all, the milestone will be born of sharing, the main reason for getting married.

Another important factor that makes a common milestone greater and more useful is that is proof of your effectiveness as a team. For many couples, the wedding ceremony and the birth of children are the only common milestone they can list after years of marriage. Everything else is an individual effort which is assigned to one party because it is their responsibility. In such a situation, the couple has no real accomplishments as a couple and they do not know the joy of a shared achievement. Achieving shared milestones is proof to the couple that they make a great team and with enough practice, your attempts of achieving milestones together will become a habit that will propel you to success in many areas of your married life.

Couples also need shared milestones to help them respect and appreciate each other’s individual achievements. In the process of pursuing a common goal, you and your spouse will get to see aspects of each other that would otherwise remain unknown. As you apply your strengths and fight your challenges alongside each other, many truths become revealed. You get to see the personal challenges that your partner has had to overcome in their professional and personal life so as to achieve the milestones they have achieved as an individual. You get to see your partner tested in areas such as attention deficiencies, facing phobias, physical challenges, cultural and religious beliefs and a lot more. It can be quite an eye opener to discover your superstar spouse is actually fighting personal challenges every day at a job they seem extremely competent at.

There are many other reasons that make a shared milestone worth a lot more than the individual achievements you may manage. To enjoy the numerous benefits that shared milestones bring to a relationship, you and your spouse need to set out on a journey towards achieving a significant milestone that you can use as a cornerstone upon which you build the next level of your relationship.

Serial Marriage Killers: Dangers you need to know and avoid

Since the beginning of time, marriage and relationships have suffered and died due to the same old reasons. From time to time, these marriage killers change their appearance and maybe thought of as new, but in reality they are the same old destroyers. It is a real tragedy to see that the same old problems that destroyed marriages thousands of years ago continue to rein havoc on our relationships to this day. Here are some of the top relationship destroyers and how you can avoid having your marriage fall victim to these age old serial marriage killers!

1. Dishonesty

As we all know, honesty is one of the most important pillars in all relationships. In marriage, honesty is the main pillar and when replaced with dishonesty, it guarantees the collapse of the relationship. In marriage, dishonesty takes many shapes and forms. From the most basic lies of deception to other forms that are sometimes not easily discernible. Broken promises, agreeing for the sake of it, faking sentiments / emotions, doing things behind each other’s backs, infidelity, involving others instead of your spouse and failing in your responsibilities are other types of dishonesty that can ruin your marriage. While most people consider some forms of dishonesty as being more severe than others, the truth is that all of them are equally damaging to a relationship. In most cases, the only difference is their rate of erosion where some damage the marriage faster than others; however, they will all ultimately lead to the destruction of your marriage.

Lying about an affair, breaking your marriage vows, saying yes when you do not mean yes, pretending to offer support while secretly sabotaging, doing less than your very best in your marital obligations or bringing in others where your spouse should be are all going to erode and eventually destroy your marriage. On paper, some look worse than others but given time, all of them will leave you with a damaged and broken marriage. Avoid the trap of dishonesty by being open and 100% honest about everything in your marriage. This is however not a call to recklessness and cruelty! Let your actions and words be tempered by love and guided by wisdom at all times.

2. Selfishness

Marriage is an institution where the other party should always come first. Unfortunately most of us get into it for selfish reasons where we expect it to be a channel that will deliver satisfaction to our needs. This obviously sets us up for failure as we find that the other person also came into the relationship expecting to be on top at all times. Selfishness is demonstrated in all areas of marriage where we expect to have our way in every day decisions, in matters of intimacy, when introducing new things or idea, show jealousy, lack of self control, nagging, becoming controlling and in many other ways. When two people come from different back grounds to become one, there are bound to be differences in opinion and understanding. Expecting that your way will always be the way is not only selfish but also unrealistic. No relationship can survive selfishness.

To avoid selfishness taking over your marriage, it is important to consciously give significant concessions to your partner. You may not agree or even approve of a particular issue but you must occasionally give up on your interests to allow your spouse their way. This does not mean withdrawing to become a spectator, it calls for accepting that their way is now your way and you will actively participate to ensure success. Selflessness in marriage will ensure a long happy marriage where both parties can count on each other and trust each other in every way.

3. Resistance to change

In the Bible, there is a story of a man who worked for 7 years to get a bride, unfortunately his father in law tricked him and gave him the wrong bride. The man who was known as Jacob could have chosen to accept his situation and proceed to live with Leah in what would have obviously been a miserable marriage or adjust to the new situation and work another 7 years for the love of his life, Rachel. Few of us have to face such difficult decisions and adjustments in our marriages; however we are often unwilling to make even the slightest adjustments for those we claim to love the most. People resist change in marriage because it does not conform to what they expected of marriage, or because it does not match what they already know. Things are further complicated when we go to seek counsel from those who are close to us as they will usually share our opinion or view which makes the new way or idea even more difficult to accommodate.

Having an open mind is a huge buffer for couples. New challenges in marriage will often require a new approach to solving them. If you accept change in your relationship, your life together becomes an adventure which will bring greater satisfaction and joy to you and your partner. Change is the only constant in life and if resisted, you are guaranteed to endure a very difficult life. Age, children, neighbors, relatives and career are some of the main avenues through which change comes into our lives. Embrace the changes that come into your life positively and you will enjoy an amazing marriage that can stand through the storms and sunny days.

There are many other marriage killers waiting to destroy our relationships. It is important for all of us to be wary and on the lookout. If you know other marriage killers that you would like to share with us, please do so by commenting to this post as we continue to work towards stronger and happier marriages.

Keep the fire burning in your marriage: Places and ways to refuel!

Nobody wants a cold marriage! We all want a red hot relationship that has lots of passion, excitement, victories and good memories. Unfortunately, most marriages enjoy very little heat if any. From the onset, it is as if there is a set timer that works to gradually reduce the heat in marriage to a freezing point where divorce or a cold coexistence is all that remains of what was a fiery romance. A cold relationship is characterized by poor or no communication, sharing fewer interests, engage in sex less often, no intensity in disputes, reduced or no expectations, a dislike for previously enjoyed activities and much more.

If you have noted some or a lot of the characteristics mentioned above, your relationship is very likely dropping its temperature and you too could soon be freezing in a cold marriage. To avoid being in this unenviable position, you need to ensure that your relationship is always well fueled so as to deliver the much needed heat that will keep you marriage alive and healthy. Here are a few places and ways for you to refuel and ensure that the fire in your marriage keeps burning for as long as you both shall live.

Keep the fire burning in your marriage!

1.        God

Regardless of your religion or faith if you believe in God, then that should always be your first stop for refueling your marriage. Every religion has a very special place for marriage as this is the one institution sanctioned by God through his creation of man and woman. Whenever you go back to religious teachings, you will always find something to encourage, grow and sustain your relationship as a couple. God is the number one fuel that will keep your marriage propelled in the right direction while also providing sufficient heat for your journey of love. Engaging in prayers and other religious activities together will help you enjoy a warm, fulfilling and happy marriage.

2.        Play

If too much work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, imagine what happens when you multiply that by two! Too much work and no play will make Jack and Jill double dull! Marriage is nothing if it is not fun! Every so often, you and your partner need to look for a mutually enjoyable activity that you can engage in. As you play with your partner, you get to know each other better while also creating beautiful memories that will help carry you through the tough moments that will come in future. A camping trip, a night out dancing, travelling, a picnic or some other shared hobby are great ways for you and your spouse to enjoy each other’s company and ensure that the fire in your marriage never dies down.

3.        Give

Giving is one of the most powerful instruments that can bring fulfillment to a human being. Giving has been and continues to be an integral component of every race, religion, society and civilization. Those who give find greater meaning and fulfillment in life. As a couple, it is your duty to find a reason and season to give. Do not wait to have so that you can give but rather make a habit of giving what you have. When you share a positive and meaningful experience such as giving to someone who has greater need than yourself, you invoke the kindness of God upon your lives. For those who believe in karma, your actions of kindness will come back to you in greater kindness. As you share the experience of giving, it gives back to you and your spouse. You will grow closer, warmer and happier if you make giving a part of your marriage.

4.        Intimacy

Intimacy in marriage is the thermometer that gauges how cold or warm things are between a couple. It is a direct reflection of how hot or cold your relationship is at any given time. A healthy and mutually satisfying sex life is important for the life of a marriage. A marriage that lacks sex for extended durations without any serious or well understood reason is on its death bed. Even in the absence of sex intimacy can still be maintained through kissing and touching. The physical connection that comes from intimacy cannot be replaced with the provision of anything else such as presents, money or even words. Physical intimacy is critical to maintaining the correct relationship temperatures in your marriage.

5.        Adventure

Every so often, your relationship requires you to hit the refresh button and attempt old things in a new way or go for an entirely new thing in a new way. The thrill of the unknown is a limitless source of fuel for your marriage. By constantly trying new things you get to see your partner in a different light and get to know things about them that you would never have known if you did not try out something new and different. Your adventures can be applied in every aspect of your lives. You can relocate to a new place, try a new restaurant, experiment with new ideas in bed, look for new opportunities to give, change your dressing styles, attempt new feats and so much more. A marriage that embraces new ideas will have a constant supply of heat from the thrill and excitement of the adventures that the couple enjoys.

There are many other heat “sources” that you should look at when looking to keep your marriage as hot as possible. As you can see they do not require lots of money or time, they only need some creativity, will and determination. Do not let the fire die down in your marriage; it is easier to keep it burning rather than attempt to reignite it every time you realize that your relationship is getting cold. If you have other ideas on ways in which we can keep the fire burning in our marriages, please feel free to share them with us and we will be more than happy to try them out and see how they work.

3 great ways to increase your appreciation for each other in marriage

Communication, sex and money are considered the biggest 3 marriage breakers of all time. Lack of appreciation happens to be a close 4^th on the list of issues that can break up a happy home. It is therefore important for you and your partner to always find ways through which you can appreciate each other genuinely. You will only feel appreciated when you are acknowledged for something that is worthy. When the recognition is not deserved it could cause other issues and problems in your marriage. You should therefore direct your efforts at appreciating the outstanding and special efforts made by your partner.

1. Walk a mile in their shoes

One of the main reasons why you and your partner may fail to appreciate each other enough is having little or no understanding what the other person goes through in their efforts to meet marital obligations. To have a better understanding and appreciation what it takes to do what your partner does, you should begin sharing in their experience. You could switch roles for a day or some other period just to learn what the other person goes through. In situations where a complete switch of roles may not be possible, you could spend time with them as they do what they do. This is the next best thing to doing it yourself and will help you understand your partner better.

2. Always take note when someone does “their job”

Early on in marriage there are certain responsibilities and roles that will automatically fall on each party. These are either designated by our cultures, religions, through consensus between the couple or through any other means. These will in many cases take the form of repeated tasks and responsibilities which happen to be the most neglected when it comes to appreciation. In most situations people do not get thanked for doing their job. Bosses do not pat your back for getting to work on time and the government will never send you a thank you note for paying your taxes. However, things change when it comes to marriage. Keeping time, paying bills, cooking, cleaning and all other contributions and efforts need to be appreciated. Taking note of these ordinary things will motivate your partner to do more extra ordinary stuff!

3. Play your part

There is nothing worse than being the only one making an effort. When both you and your spouse work in and on your relationship, it helps increase the level of appreciation you feel for each other.  Your successes become corporate achievements that are a result of your effective team work. Your input makes it possible to achieve more individually and as a couple. By playing your part in marriage, you motivate and challenge your partner to do the same. They feel appreciated through your actions and you will in turn enjoy a similar feeling of appreciation derived from seeing them play their part.

Appreciating your partner is an emotional obligation that you owe to each other in a marriage. You must always work to appreciate each other and more importantly you must give your partner a reason to appreciate you. It requires constant and conscious efforts to appreciate each other and you must work to give your partner the appreciation they deserve.

Staying married: Good reasons to love and to hold!

In a world where staying married is quickly becoming less and less fashionable, many couples are often asking themselves whether there are any good reasons for them to stay married despite the numerous challenges that modern marriages face. With the rising cases of divorce, it is quite clear that couples have not found reasons to stay married or that the reasons they have found are simply not good enough for them. If you happen to be in a situation where you are wondering whether there is any reason good enough to stay married, here are a few of the many great reasons for you to get and stay married throughout your adult life.

1. Marriage is good for your physical and mental health

As social animals, human beings thrive through socialization. Family happens to be the foundation upon which all our socialization is built upon and is therefore a critical element to our emotional, physical and psychological growth and health. Through personal experience and observation most people will attest to the fact that even the most basic functions such as eating are more enjoyable and better when done in the company of others who we relate to. Going with this most basic example, we can already see marriage having an impact on physical health since married people will share their meals with their spouses and children on a regular basis.

Satisfying our need for socialization by staying married also protects us from mental and psychological problems that often stem from loneliness. Stress, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse and many other similar problems affect single people more than they affect those who are married. Being in a healthy and loving relationship delivers the best form of socialization which in turn insulates the couple from physical and mental health issues. The encouragement, motivation, support, balance, hope and joy that result from marriage will ensure that you enjoy better physical and mental health as compared to single people.

2. Marriage improves your social station

Everywhere in the world, marriage is a social affair. It may vary in the scope to which society gets involved in it depending on your geographical location but it remains to be a social affair that comes with many social benefits that improve your station in whichever society you live in. Married people tend to have an easier time socializing with those around them which is an excellent avenue for opportunities to make money, position yourself for elective office, mobilize others for a cause, do religious work and anything else that requires social engagement. Your status as a married person will often award you a little trust and respect which you can use build on so as to further your personal, social, political, religious and business agendas.

3. Marriage is good for your finances

While money is one of the top three reasons for divorce, it is also one of the top three benefits on getting and staying married. The financial position of most people significantly improves after marriage. In many cases, this is not due to the fact that marriage thrusts them into higher income earning but rather as a result of being more financial prudent once they are married. Marriage also brings with it the advantage of having increased financial and mental resources that will go a long way in improving your opportunities for better incomes. Couples who choose consolidate their wealth building efforts have been seen to achieve solid financial security much faster than those who opt to pursue wealth creation as individuals. Married people also have an easier time accessing credit and acquiring business partners and financiers which contributes to their accelerated financial development.

There are more reasons to stay married than there are for you to get married!

4. Marriage stabilizes communities and contributes to higher standards of living

Communities that have lower divorce rates also enjoy lower crime rates. There is a direct correlation between the levels of divorce and crime as well as child delinquency levels in any given community. Different studies have shown that the percentage increase or decrease in family break down within a give community is almost proportional to the increase or decrease in crime rate within the same community or area. Communities that have lower divorce rates and where family strife is at lower levels tend to enjoy significantly lower crime levels. For adults and children who are in homes that enjoy happy marriages, the reduced crime rate is attributed to the security and wellbeing that emanates from having a stable home and healthy relationships.

Communities that have lower crime rates will in turn automatically attract more external investors while also providing many great opportunities for those within them to grow in whichever way they desire. Such a community will have more people pursuing education to much higher levels, realize greater economic success along with growth in many other areas which all contribute to higher standards of living.

5. Marriage develops your skills and ability in many different areas

Once you get married, there are a million and one hats you shall be expected to wear. You immediately become a spouse and much more while other roles such as parenting come upon you over time. The transition from a single person whose only concern was their own to the spouse/parent/adviser/confidant/coach/teacher/priest/handyman/medic/manyother things you will become requires a lot of learning and adjustment. This learning and adjustments you have to go through actually end up having a bearing on many other important areas of your life. Married people have no choice but to ensure that they practice greater financial discipline, better communication, exercise patience, hone their leadership, open their minds to learning new things and much more. All of these undertakings will not only have a positive bearing on their family life, they also directly impact on the career, academics, business and social interests of the couple.

These are just a few of the many great reasons for people to stay married. If you have been wondering whether marriage is worth your while, we hope that the good reasons shared here are good enough to get you back on track so that we can all keep up the good fight for this wonderful institution called marriage!

The honeymoon period: Why is it so sour for most newlyweds?

As most couples prepare for their weddings, the one constant and positive expectation that goes through their minds is the wonderful and amazing times awaiting them during their honeymoon period. This expectation is built up just before the ceremony and immediately after by friends, relatives and anyone else you bother to listen to. These “marriage experts” will constantly tell you to make sure you fully enjoy the honeymoon period as there are tougher and harder times ahead when there will be little or no room for the joys you could experience during the honeymoon phase of your marriage. While this honeymoon period is not well defined most consider it to be the duration after marriage up until the first baby arrives or the first two years for those who take longer than that to get their first child.

Unfortunately, most couples will freely tell you that their honeymoon period was anything but joyous. The huge expectations they had of enjoying each other without limit or restrictions are very often shattered as early as the first night of their married life! What comes as a surprise to most couples during the first few months and sometimes years of marriage is the huge differences in their preferences, beliefs and norms. Before marriage, these differences are seen as minor issues that you will sometimes joke and tease about without having to deal with them. However, once you are married, they become serious problems that can easily damage a good relationship.

During courtship, the difference between a couple’s bedtimes is not really an issue. If one prefers to tuck in early while the other is a night owl, they will not really see this as a compatibility issue up until they start living together. On the surface, this is not really a big deal and should not threaten a good marriage that is founded on a solid friendship. However, taking a deeper look at this issue reveals that is goes on to affect a couple’s connection on many different levels. The partner who prefers an earlier bedtime will very likely also prefer to have their meals earlier, they will want to finish their daily chores earlier and in most cases they will want to get intimate earlier in the evening.

The other partner who happens to be a night owl will prefer the opposite in almost all the scenarios listed above. They will prefer doing things later into the night and find it more convenient and enjoyable to end their day as late as possible. After a while where they have been accommodating their partner who prefers and earlier bedtime, they will begin to feel cheated, especially if their partner makes little or no effort to sometimes stay up late with them. Once resentment starts creeping in, the marriage is already in trouble yet this is only one area of the many possible differences in personality, faith and norms that can seriously rock the honeymoon boat.

For those who are already married, it is our responsibility to be honest with the young couples getting ready to tie the knot. Instead of building up false hope and expectations, the truth is a better and more reasonable option. While there is great joy in being newlyweds, there are also many significant adjustments that need to be made. Let us help the young couples prepare for change, compromise and conflict resolution so that they can have a better honeymoon. As for the rest of us who survived a sour honeymoon, let us share the lessons we learnt then, while also encouraging the newlyweds to hold on to each other as there are amazing times to be enjoyed once they are through the turmoil of their marriage’s honeymoon phase!