As most couples prepare for their weddings, the one constant and positive expectation that goes through their minds is the wonderful and amazing times awaiting them during their honeymoon period. This expectation is built up just before the ceremony and immediately after by friends, relatives and anyone else you bother to listen to. These “marriage experts” will constantly tell you to make sure you fully enjoy the honeymoon period as there are tougher and harder times ahead when there will be little or no room for the joys you could experience during the honeymoon phase of your marriage. While this honeymoon period is not well defined most consider it to be the duration after marriage up until the first baby arrives or the first two years for those who take longer than that to get their first child.
Unfortunately, most couples will freely tell you that their honeymoon period was anything but joyous. The huge expectations they had of enjoying each other without limit or restrictions are very often shattered as early as the first night of their married life! What comes as a surprise to most couples during the first few months and sometimes years of marriage is the huge differences in their preferences, beliefs and norms. Before marriage, these differences are seen as minor issues that you will sometimes joke and tease about without having to deal with them. However, once you are married, they become serious problems that can easily damage a good relationship.
During courtship, the difference between a couple’s bedtimes is not really an issue. If one prefers to tuck in early while the other is a night owl, they will not really see this as a compatibility issue up until they start living together. On the surface, this is not really a big deal and should not threaten a good marriage that is founded on a solid friendship. However, taking a deeper look at this issue reveals that is goes on to affect a couple’s connection on many different levels. The partner who prefers an earlier bedtime will very likely also prefer to have their meals earlier, they will want to finish their daily chores earlier and in most cases they will want to get intimate earlier in the evening.
The other partner who happens to be a night owl will prefer the opposite in almost all the scenarios listed above. They will prefer doing things later into the night and find it more convenient and enjoyable to end their day as late as possible. After a while where they have been accommodating their partner who prefers and earlier bedtime, they will begin to feel cheated, especially if their partner makes little or no effort to sometimes stay up late with them. Once resentment starts creeping in, the marriage is already in trouble yet this is only one area of the many possible differences in personality, faith and norms that can seriously rock the honeymoon boat.
For those who are already married, it is our responsibility to be honest with the young couples getting ready to tie the knot. Instead of building up false hope and expectations, the truth is a better and more reasonable option. While there is great joy in being newlyweds, there are also many significant adjustments that need to be made. Let us help the young couples prepare for change, compromise and conflict resolution so that they can have a better honeymoon. As for the rest of us who survived a sour honeymoon, let us share the lessons we learnt then, while also encouraging the newlyweds to hold on to each other as there are amazing times to be enjoyed once they are through the turmoil of their marriage’s honeymoon phase!
Tighter with Taiti 